Frankenweenie, life's purpose, God, and other existential ramblings

In 2013 America it is the norm to work-hard and play-hard, not because we are more industrious or playful than our ancestors but because we are on a treadmill that keeps speeding up. When I take a moment to pause the treadmill, I notice the silliness of our actions, and far worse I hear the sound of my own anxiety and fear of standing still.

The total anxiety found in staring down meaninglessness in that stillness is beyond my ability to deal with for anything but a brief moment.

I guess many ages ago when the treadmill was slower, people would slow down more often and turn to religion in these moments of anxiety. The old theologies and pieties offered certainties which I can't believe in light of modernity. During this age modernity has unhorsed the god of theism and the treadmill has accelerated to the point we have lost our societal ability for existential exploration. At the dawn of the post-modern age I don't find it viable to believe in the emotional arguments based on pre-modern fundamentals.

When I step off the treadmill and experience the bone chilling anxiety of nothing, I have to find a hope that appears when the situation is beyond hope.  If I concentrate long enough and dig deep enough I can experience a moment of staring at my being.  In that anxious moment I either succumb to the depressive nothingness or I start to reach out to the theistic god of my youth.  But that god is an idol I have made to comfort me. Post-Modern religion will not be tied to the idolatrous version of deus ex machina but rather a belief in a something greater than the god of theism.  

In that moment of existential crisis caused by staring down my non-being, my being feels separated—separated from others and separated from my being itself. Simply separated.  During this moment, the courage to accept myself or act in a way that benefits others to the detriment of myself requires faith. Not the faith of a promised reciprocation, but the faith that the grace I extend in love is enough. Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr. lived it. This is like the love I have for my wife of 20 years. I do not love her unconditionally because she reciprocates my love for her; I simply love her unconditionally. This grace I extend is in concert with a grace I experience by choosing to be accepted. This choice is not by a rational reason, but simply the choice that I am accepted and the courage to be while staring directly at my meaninglessness. I am accepting being accepted by something greater than me, the name of which I do not know.  Frankly I don't care what it is called: god/God/Jesus/frankenweenie. My absolute faith is not a theoretical affirmation of this uncertainty; it is the existential acceptance of something transcending ordinary experience.  My faith is not an opinion but a state.  I can affirm myself because I know I am affirmed by the power of being. I have a radical doubt about God, but a faith in God that transcends the theistic idea of God.

The core of the Christian messages resonates with my analysis of my human experience. Not the dogmatic and liturgical codes of modern christendom.... but the core of the Pauline message of justification by faith and the Jesus message for me to love others even if they don't reciprocate because I have faith in being accepted by something greater (Frankenweenie?).  I'm sure other religions that I have not studied would resonate as well, but I was raised in the Christian faith, lost it, and now found a way to use it that is meaningful to me. 

Acknowledgments:  Ben for editing this and making it look like I attended college by fixing my random punctuation.  To Francis Chan for introducing me to a crazy love and Davis Mitchell for demonstrating what it looks like. To Peter Rollings for helping me recognize my idols of certainty. To Doug Pagitt for introducing me to Tony Jones.  To Tony Jones for introducing me to Jay Bakker.  To Jay Bakker for introducing me to Paul Tillich.  To Paul Tillich for showing me the courage to be.